Honesty
Hello Everyone,
A week from today I'll be going back to the apartment I was in last year, but this time I'll be alone. I've put an add on Craiglist, talked to numerous friends, posted on FB, etc. and just had no luck finding someone, locally, that wanted to move out or that wanted an apartment that was only for 9 months out of the year. To be honest, I don't have much of a desire to live alone, nor did I ever picture myself doing this...I'm a social person and thrive on being around people most of the time, I like to be alone too, but not for the most part.
However, that said, with much prayer and in reading the book AHA by Kyle Idleman I've been struck by being ok with this as well. I've decided that it's ok to not desire living on my own and to wish things were different, but I tried to change my situation and so, ovbiously, He has something different in mind for me. I don't know if it's just an issue of trust that He wants me to deal with or if it's His way of "forcing" me to spend more time with Him and more time rediscovering things about myself that I've choosen to burry...whatever the reason, He's got one, and I'm slowly letting go of control and letting Him take me over, once again.
This past summer has been full of ups and downs for me, and although I greatly miss everyone that I spent it with, I'm slightly glad it's over so that I can work through some things that have been eating me up inside. I've spent quite a bit of time alone the last week or so and, although, I've sometimes just wanted to cry because I want my friends back I've, also, come to relish the silence and been more able to "hear" Him speaking to me and guiding me onto what He has planned for me next.
Since, at the moment, I'm going to be living on my own I'm going to have more bills to pay and that is one thing that is slightly scary to me...I can afford it on my salary and have applied to several places for more part-time work so ultimately I'll be "fine," but not knowing for sure how I'm going to pay for everything is a bit tough. I know He will provide though and I'm trying to worry less and trust more, but at the same time recoginze my fears and admit them to myself and to Him. I think, more often than not, in the past, I've been one to feel as if I can't recognize my fears, as if somehow acknowledging them is doubting He's got my back, but I'm learning this isn't the case and it's been very freeing. This truth, may seem obvious and to some of you, rather silly, but that's ok.
It's not only been helpful for me to be honest with myself and with God, but I'm learning more and more that I can be honest with those around me too. I've pretty much always been the type of person to put on a smile no matter how I feel and to be cheerful and lively no matter how worn down I feel, which is good in some ways and not so good in others. It's good in the fact that no matter my mood, I can pretty much turn any situation into a good one...and I'm not saying this to brag on myself mind you, it's all Him really, but I'm trying to make a point. However, in doing this, I sometimes found I felt I couldn't admit when I wasn't doing ok because everyone around me expected me to be cheerful and happy all the time and I didn't want to let them down. Again, this might seem silly to some people, but to me it was a reality that I needed to admit to myself was a problem. This summer, I allowed myself to be miserable and to tell people I wasn't doing ok and even though some people around me didn't like it and kept begging me to be "myself," I didn't give in and put on a smiling face because that's what others expected. I'm not saying I walked around crying or miserable all day every day, but I certainly wasn't as talkative or as lively as normal and I learned that was ok. There is a time for happiness and a time for sadness and I used to think that I didn't have time to be sad so I needed to be happy all the time and although life is short, and I aim to try and enjoy it as much as I can, I, also, need to be able to be honest with myself, with God, and and with others, when I need sometime to be sad as well.
It's been incredibly helpful the past week or so to have my best friend back in the kitchen with me and even though I haven't shared with him all that I've been struggling with, just having someone around that understands me and who I don't have to feel like I have to impress/be happy around all the time has been very helpful!
I don't fully know if I got my point across in the above paragraphs, but I need to get back to work and so hopefully what I shared helps some of you get through whatever you may be going through/encouraged you; just remember you are only human so don't beat yourself up too much when you aren't perfect....truth is, non of us are. :)
Until Next Time!
<3Abi
A week from today I'll be going back to the apartment I was in last year, but this time I'll be alone. I've put an add on Craiglist, talked to numerous friends, posted on FB, etc. and just had no luck finding someone, locally, that wanted to move out or that wanted an apartment that was only for 9 months out of the year. To be honest, I don't have much of a desire to live alone, nor did I ever picture myself doing this...I'm a social person and thrive on being around people most of the time, I like to be alone too, but not for the most part.
However, that said, with much prayer and in reading the book AHA by Kyle Idleman I've been struck by being ok with this as well. I've decided that it's ok to not desire living on my own and to wish things were different, but I tried to change my situation and so, ovbiously, He has something different in mind for me. I don't know if it's just an issue of trust that He wants me to deal with or if it's His way of "forcing" me to spend more time with Him and more time rediscovering things about myself that I've choosen to burry...whatever the reason, He's got one, and I'm slowly letting go of control and letting Him take me over, once again.
This past summer has been full of ups and downs for me, and although I greatly miss everyone that I spent it with, I'm slightly glad it's over so that I can work through some things that have been eating me up inside. I've spent quite a bit of time alone the last week or so and, although, I've sometimes just wanted to cry because I want my friends back I've, also, come to relish the silence and been more able to "hear" Him speaking to me and guiding me onto what He has planned for me next.
Since, at the moment, I'm going to be living on my own I'm going to have more bills to pay and that is one thing that is slightly scary to me...I can afford it on my salary and have applied to several places for more part-time work so ultimately I'll be "fine," but not knowing for sure how I'm going to pay for everything is a bit tough. I know He will provide though and I'm trying to worry less and trust more, but at the same time recoginze my fears and admit them to myself and to Him. I think, more often than not, in the past, I've been one to feel as if I can't recognize my fears, as if somehow acknowledging them is doubting He's got my back, but I'm learning this isn't the case and it's been very freeing. This truth, may seem obvious and to some of you, rather silly, but that's ok.
It's not only been helpful for me to be honest with myself and with God, but I'm learning more and more that I can be honest with those around me too. I've pretty much always been the type of person to put on a smile no matter how I feel and to be cheerful and lively no matter how worn down I feel, which is good in some ways and not so good in others. It's good in the fact that no matter my mood, I can pretty much turn any situation into a good one...and I'm not saying this to brag on myself mind you, it's all Him really, but I'm trying to make a point. However, in doing this, I sometimes found I felt I couldn't admit when I wasn't doing ok because everyone around me expected me to be cheerful and happy all the time and I didn't want to let them down. Again, this might seem silly to some people, but to me it was a reality that I needed to admit to myself was a problem. This summer, I allowed myself to be miserable and to tell people I wasn't doing ok and even though some people around me didn't like it and kept begging me to be "myself," I didn't give in and put on a smiling face because that's what others expected. I'm not saying I walked around crying or miserable all day every day, but I certainly wasn't as talkative or as lively as normal and I learned that was ok. There is a time for happiness and a time for sadness and I used to think that I didn't have time to be sad so I needed to be happy all the time and although life is short, and I aim to try and enjoy it as much as I can, I, also, need to be able to be honest with myself, with God, and and with others, when I need sometime to be sad as well.
It's been incredibly helpful the past week or so to have my best friend back in the kitchen with me and even though I haven't shared with him all that I've been struggling with, just having someone around that understands me and who I don't have to feel like I have to impress/be happy around all the time has been very helpful!
I don't fully know if I got my point across in the above paragraphs, but I need to get back to work and so hopefully what I shared helps some of you get through whatever you may be going through/encouraged you; just remember you are only human so don't beat yourself up too much when you aren't perfect....truth is, non of us are. :)
Until Next Time!
<3Abi
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